
Prologue
Now, in 2008, with one year’s experience in the
Part 1: The Plan
TO BE CONTINUED! (bum bum bum)

Now, in 2008, with one year’s experience in the
Part 1: The Plan
TO BE CONTINUED! (bum bum bum)

Next thing you know, Mrs. H, Grandma, Dezi Dog, Uncle Rich and Aunt Diana were all playing Uno Spin as Jane was finishing up dinner. And what a meal it was: Savory Christmas Ham, creamed corn, strawberry salad, cheesy-scalloped potatoes. I felt like a goy, but mm was it good.
It was also one of the few meals I’ve attended where somebody said grace, just like they did on “Family Matters” and “Home Improvement.” I was getting the full gentile experience.
So after stuffing our faces and feeling sleepy, it was probably a bad time for Aunt Diana and Uncle Rich to project a slide show of their recent trip to South America (also straight out of “The Wonder Years”). As interesting as it was, I think Grandma of all people was the last one awake to see the finish.
After an intense game of Uno Spin, in which Dani’s dad won twice in a row (I’m convinced he’s a professional Uno Spin player by trade), I made my way downstairs and had successfully endured my first Christmas Day.
12/26/08: Christmas Lights, Cheeseballs
Now that Christmas was over, what’s left to do in
Back on the tour, we saw the old high school, the Naked guy’s house (self-explanatory) and even the La Boca Vista Trailer Park. I wrote a song called “Madison Bound” for more stories on the small town.
That evening was a Heinemeyer family tradition. We all loaded up in the car, got some boxes of pizza, and drove around town, judging the town’s best Christmas lights. I heard some great stories, including when Ross and his friends moved some decorative wooden deer around in provocative positions. It was a great night, and this kind of thing definitely reinforced that sense of warmness and family in the Christmas tradition. In that same vein, we finished the night with a viewing of Knocked up. “You look like Robin Williams’ knuckles”
12/27/07: Meeting the Mayor, Hunting Pheasant
Today we were able to stop by the
Fortunately for me, Mr. Heinemeyer was the city’s Finance Officer, and we got to meet the Mayor and go to a City Commission Hearing. As a politics dork, and a staffer for a Congressman here in NY, this was actually a very exciting moment for me—hearing about local airport policy, saying goodbye to the city attorney upon his resignation. I was wondering if Barack would turn up to make a speech.
We capped the night by stuffing our faces at the
On a side note, I was asked by a few different people on the trip if I was interested in shooting pheasant with a rifle or pistol. These were scenes straight out of Curb Your Enthusiasm, and I always quickly changed the subject…
12/29/07: The Wedding
We finished our trip by attending the wedding of Dani’s high school friends, Jen and Chris. Besides hunting, this was probably our biggest cultural difference:
This of course meant another trip to church. Twice in five days. But there was no glass breaking like Jewish weddings. And “Here Comes the Bride” was blasting on the pipe organ. We scurried in just as the ceremony started, and right before the bride and groom walked down the aisle. It might have been embarrassing if we ran past them to grab decent seats in the pew.
Speaking of which, what’s the deal with that awful pew exit system? It took us 5 hours to leave the church.
Then it was off to the reception. It wasn’t shrimp cocktail and fresh crab meat at The Tribeca Rooftop. Again, a cultural shock. But it was a nice affair and the groom’s 16 year old brother made the funniest wedding toast I’ll possibly ever hear:
“I've been told that the best man's speech should be as long as the groom's lovemaking. So thank you and have a good night”
Then we danced to the “YMCA” (I guess some things don’t change), and “Achey Breaky Heart” (and some things certainly do).
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And that about does it for this Jew’s first Christmas. Hope you had as much fun as I did. See ya next time!

I awoke this morning to a delicious smell wafting through the door and into the basement. As I ascended the staircase into the kitchen, my senses were engorged with the savory and sweet all at once, as if Ratatouille himself was at the helm. It was then I realized that this was no ordinary breakfast. This was Mama Heinemeyer’s world famous eggbake. Picture it now: a warm square of egg deliciousness smothered in cheese, mixed with ham, and topped with bread crumbs. I had nearly three servings before nausea started to settle in, but mmmmm good!
After a healthy breakfast, there were two pressing items on the agenda: 1) Buy ugly Xmas apparel at the thrift store 2) Take pictures with Santa at the mall.
Let me first give credit to the Heinemeyer family for being ridiculous enough to indulge these Jewish Christmas fantasies. After our stint at Savers, I changed into my new holiday gear in the mall bathroom and walked out a true gentile rock star. Sporting a snowman sweatshirt, red turtleneck and a bad haircut (it happens to everyone), there I was, moments away from meeting Santa!
I mean how can you resist this guy? Have you seen a bigger jew in your life? And wow, what an impressive looking Santa for such a barren place. I mean shit, that guy looked like Santa. Waiting in line among the other toddlers, I would be happy just to shake hands, take the picture and relive that moment in my memory forever.
But as I approached Santa, with my over-anxious smile and jittery legs, I nearly fell over with excitement. The 4-year-old
And so there I was, sitting next to Mall Santa, awkwardly waiting for Ms. Clause to change the film. My palms became sweaty. “Soo, where ya from?” I nervously spoke. “Busy time of year I bet? Hehe….” I was beginning to think that perhaps this was the real Santa, as he sat silently grinning. He made no response. Still, nothing was happening.
Utterly and inexplicably determined to engage in mindless small talk with this man (part of my Hebrew instinct), I continued. “I’m from
Looking back, I don’t think I’ve seen a more utterly perplexed face in my life. But he was a jolly old man, as predicted, and those awkward few minutes were worth this priceless photo:
Now it was gift exchange time, woo! I don’t know if it’s standard practice nationwide to do it on Christmas Eve instead of Christmas Day, but that’s what we did. I watched as Grandma opened her “Studs N’ Spurs” male model calendar, Mama H opened her “Pigeon Poop” candies, Ross got the Planet Earth DVD set, and Dezi dog received her brand new outfit. What a stunner! Most notably I got a new Woody Allen book. That figures. (Actually, I asked for it)
Then it was off to the airport to reclaim my luggage, which as you remember from Part 1 of the Xmas Blog, was hurried away in a snowstorm never to be found again. And so it was to my surprise that my oversized red bag was sitting there when we arrived. No paperwork, no fussy stuff. Just off I went.
And so I changed into my wrinkled suit in the backseat of Mama H’s Honda Accord, stretching my lanky limbs around to everyone’s dismay. We were on our way to
Heading up, we absorbed the new Radiohead album, “In Rainbows,” which upon first listen sounded like the most accessible recording they’ve done in years while keeping their weirdness intact. I particularly liked the song “Nude.” As you can imagine, it was pretty awesome listening to this music as we drove past the frozen plains.
Arriving at church, we immediately saw Dani’s ex-boyfriend. How wonderful that was for me. It turns out he still lives in Madison, a quaint town of 6,000 people. Apparently he’s been hanging out with Dani’s family even after Dani went to college and dumped the poor guy. For example, he stores his motorcycle next to Mr. Heinemeyer’s in his garage.
We found our way to the pew just as Christmas service was starting. The pastor got up to make his sermon: “I’ve seen the Christ child. You may not believe he was the Christ Child. But I saw him. I knew it was him. I looked into his eyes...the Christ Child” And then like a Conan O’Brien character, the large man with glasses behind me, with a deep-throated, nasally Irish-tinged voice lunged into “O Holy Night.” It was truly a service for the ages.
Overall, though, the whole affair was less gaudy than I imagined. There weren’t talks of mayonnaise or Nascar. It seemed pretty normal. After all it was a Lutheran church, not Catholic.
We ended the night with a viewing of “National Treasure 2,” a hollow but intensely entertaining movie, stuffing ourselves with popcorn and Sour Patch Kids. Then it was off to bed we went. Ah, I love Christmas. And it’s not even Christmas yet…
Picture it now. A Jewish boy from the Jewishest part of Long Island meets a girl from the middlest part of Middle America. There, in the snow-covered plains of Madison, South Dakota, he celebrates his first Christmas in December 2007. Singing hymns, eating glazed ham, crashing weddings and sitting on Santa's lap are only the beginning of this one-week adventure in social experimentation we like to call...
12/23/07 (Day One)
The First Danny Ross Christmas
I sit now listening to "Classic Sinatra" within the confines of my warm blanket in Sioux Falls, South Dakota. This is considered the big city here in SD, but as far as I'm concerned, if you've got a Panera Bread, Best Buy and California Pizza Kitchen sitting next to an interstate, I would pretty much call it the suburbs.
Outside the moon's glow overlooks a frozen landscape, and I'm about to doze off to sleep in this dark, tired basement. But it wasn't such a cozy day. In fact, you could say it was a stressful day. And yet another way of saying it, is that Northwest cancelled my god-damn flight to South Dakota, leaving me stranded at the Minneapolis Airport in a snowstorm. And that wasn't even a Larry Craig joke. (But now it is. Zing!)
I put my name on standby for the next flight, but was told that my chances were pretty slim. Arguing with the NWA attendant, I felt like I was living that scene in Home Alone 2: Lost in New York. "You don't understand, tomorrow is Christmas Eve. I have to get on that plane! Kevin!!!" I guess she could be excused for leaving her 8 year old son on the other side of the country. But you'd think they'd notice at security or something. I mean there are 2 hours of waiting at the gate for Christ sake.
And I did a lot of that today. While I managed to get on standby, I was a mere 20th on the list. That means an entire basketball team would have to miss this flight. Thankfully, I could count on the Knicks to miss just about anything. (Zing!) Pacing like an anxious New Yorker in front of the "Departure" monitor...and then in front of the storm-filled windows... and then in front of the $14 dollar tuna fish sandwiches, I thought of calling Al Gore, hoping that he could make a phone call and miraculously bring the sun back up 12 hours early like in The Truman Show. He can do that, right?
Preparing myself for an overnight stay in the city of Prince and Kirby Puckett (R.I.P.), I was stunned to hear my name announced on the next flight to Sioux Falls. Paraded with yelps and applause, it was truly like moving onto the next round of American Idol. Only my prize wasn't fortune and fame, but boarding a tiny commuter plane in the middle of nowhere through a deadly snowstorm. Suddenly I knew how the Big Bopper felt.
Landing in the Sioux Falls Airport I kissed the ground, and probably a couple of old ladies too. I was drunk at the time. But I wasn't out of the clear just yet. Pacing in front of the luggage terminalɧ and then in front of the luggage claim desk... and then in front of the NWA Check-in, I learned that my bag would not be coming in that night. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe St Patrick's Day. It looked like I might be wearing this green and pink Reebok sweat suit for a long time to come.
But I quickly turned my frown upside down. After all, it was the South Dakota way. I would be heading to Dani's house. (That's right. My girlfriend's name is Dani. We have the same name, get over it.)(Okay fine, I'm a narcissist. I know.) I was greeted with a big hug and kiss by Dani's mom and we proceeded to Culver's Restaurant, described to me as a notch above McDonald's while slightly below Applebee's. Fine dining in the Midwest ladies and gentlemen.
Heading home I was greeted by a cacophony of sound. First, there were the kitties, Roni and Bear. Then there was puppy dog Dezi. And finally there was Dani, her brother Ross (Yes my girlfriend's name is Dani, and her brother is Ross. I'm not kidding) (Okay fine, yes, seriously, I have daddy issues), and of course there was mom and Grandma.
To equate them with celebrities, Dani would be a combination of a younger Meg Ryan mixed with, say, Ron Burgandy. Ross is maybe Topher Grace in That 70's Show with a badass streak. Dani's mom let's say is Goldie Hawn mixed with Cheri Oteri. And Grandma was like, well, any other Grandma, except that she'd swear at the least expected moment.
After an exhausting day, I needed some of that Christmas warmth I heard so much about. And sure enough, there was that glowing tree, presents underneath, and three stockings above the fireplace. Mom boiled up a pot of the famous family cider, which consisted of apple juice, orange juice and a barrel of melted Red Hot candies. I hung up the "Care Bears" and "My Little Pony" ornaments that Mom so sweetly got for me (Thanks again for that by the way), and I was feeling a whole lot better about the world.
Then it was off to the kitchen table to play a Midwest card game sensation known as Skipbo. Now I'm familiar with Uno (and a state champion 2002), but this I had never heard of. In either case, Grandma was known to be a shark and my competitive juices were flowing. Miraculously, after 40 grueling minutes of painstaking strategy and maneuvering, I won Skipbo, and with it, the respect of an elderly Iowan woman, who just might love me back someday.
With a busy day like today, tomorrow's schedule is even fuller. Let's just pray my luggage comes in. Fortunately there's church in the morning. Speak to you then!
- Danny
PS - Mom if you're reading this ... none of this actually happened. Your good Jewish son would never go to church or hang up ornaments on a Christmas tree in South Dakota. Back to sleep for you. It was all just a terrible, terrible nightmare.
I’ve spent the last month or so showing my apartment to potential new roommates, as my roomy Matt is moving to LA to have his dreams crushed. (I give it a year before he quits PAing for "Prison Break") In the process, I’ve met over 20 people and developed a routine I’m fairly proud of.
"This here is the dishwasher, which, of course, is a lifesaver! Hahaha!"
"I’m a pianist yes, but I mainly play AC/DC covers. Hahaha!"
"I’m Jewish... Don't go"
I wish you could see me now showing that laundry room with my high waving hand gestures, talking up the heat ventilation with unbridled enthusiasm, justifying the vitality of the neighborhood in my "high-pitched-I-want-to-be-your-friend" voice.
But alas, it was not to be. Alone, curled up in my bed, and weeping, I looked out the window in despair at a world that didn't want Danny Ross as a roommate. Was it the tomato sauce stains on the kitchen counter? The roll of toilet paper strung out across the living room floor? The hollowed-out cat carcass on the windowsill? Hard to say.
But it was at that point, 20 visitors, 3 committed signers (who ultimately pulled out) and 45 tubs of Raspberry Ciao Bella Gelato later, that I made the brave decision to leave Manhattan. Where one could purchase hot cinnamon cashews on the street corner. Indeed, it would be a loss. But the decision was final. I would in fact be moving to Brooklyn.
I told myself, "Now all you Brooklyn lovers, just relax. I'm not sold yet. BK will have to prove itself to me over time, much like the McRib Sandwich or Pete Rose. And for all you Brooklyn haters, just relax. I’m not moving to Williamsburg."
And of course 20 minutes after I made this life-changing, world-altering decision, I received an email from a nice guy named Rob who decided to take the apartment and move in with me. I said "Jesus, Rob, we just met. You have to romance me a little. Buy me wine, take me dancing." To avoid the hell that is moving in NYC, I immediately accepted his offer and said goodbye to Brooklyn forever. Well it was a good thought I suppose.
This week's music picks: Elvis Costello's Get Happy!!, Sam Cooke's Live from The Harlem Square Club
This week's shows: Elizabeth and The Catapult (Wed at Rockwood); Andrew Bird (Fri at The Beacon)
Probably your best friend,
Danny Ross
It's 2:30 on a Sunday night and I find myself watching Fresh Prince of Bel Air on TV land. That dang Carlton. This after watching The Sopranos finale and a documentary on insomnia (Why am I fascinated with sleep?). Now I've flipped to the Ovation channel to see George Clinton and Funkadelic in concert. Overall a pretty successful night of television…
Let’s see, what else… Oh I got a bill in the mail today. Pretty standard bill. Cable. Got a cable bill… Oh yes, and Chinese food for dinner. Shrimp with mixed vegetables. I really like those baby corns. They get too much flack those baby corns. You’ve got to admit, they’re pretty adorable…. Tell me you’re not still reading this.
Writing a blog is a fine line. Do I write about every pedestrian toothbrushing and my regular laundry cycle? Do I wax philosophy and discuss the meaning behind my art? Or do I give you snotty recommendations of music and film, belittling your opinions because you live above 14th street. Well the answer is a winning combination of all those things.
But generally I'm just getting psyched for the June 30th Record Release Show in NYC. I’ve been rehearsing with the band out in Brooklyn, working the phones to generate some press {Check out the latest articles in the Press Room) and writing crappy blogs online to get people psyched. Oops. This is our first show as a band and the release of my first album, Introducing Danny Ross!, so it’s a pretty big event... I’m not nervous or anything. The show is on Saturday June 30th, 8PM at The Bitter End in Manhattan’s West Village. Anyone who’s anyone will be there. No pressure.
As far as music, I’ve been listening to the new albums by Wilco, Peter, Bjorn & John, Paul McCartney and the Elvis Costello reissued catalogue, especially Almost Blue and Trust! And of course I’ve been prepping up for the new Ryan Adams album.
Happy listening and don’t do anything I wouldn’t do (especially when it comes to Chinese food.)
Probably your best friend,
Danny Ross